User blog:High Prince Imrahil/The Wiki Family - Indom the Matchmaker

Indomitable was sprawled carelessly on the easy chair, TV remote in one hand and a bowl of ice cream in the other.

"The quarterback drops back to pass... looking... looking... he throws it out to Higgins, who runs clear to the forty-six yard line!"

The announcer rambled on, while Indom closed his eyes in utter bliss. Yes, this was what life was meant to be.

"Hey, Indom! what's up?"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand there was the end of it.

With a long sigh, Indomitable opened his eyes. Shade stood in front of him, blocking the TV.

"Indom, I need your advice."

"I don't give advice. Now move."

"But it's really important!"

"I don't care."

"My girlfriend broke up with me!"

"Tough luck. Why don't you go date Tina or something? I'm trying to watch the game here."

Shade's eyes lit up. "That's a brilliant idea!"

"Move out of the- wait what?!"

"Dating Tina! That's perfect! Thanks, Indom!"

Shade sprinted out the door of the living room.

"I was being sarcastic, you idiot!" yelled Indomitable. Shade was already out the door. No matter. With that over with, he settled back into his chair and got ready to watch the game.

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The next morning, Indom wandered down to breakfast table, spreading the Sports section of the Columbus Dispatch on the table before him.

"Hey, listen." said Itallie, "I heard that you set up Shade and Tina."

"Hey, I'm not taking any responsability for that." growled Indom, "if that kid can't understand basic sarcas-"

"No need to be so humble!" exclaimed Itallie brightly, "why they're getting along so well, it's like a match made in heaven!"

"What?!"

"He's gone to the whole family telling what excellent romantic advise you give!"

Indom buried his head in his hands. Itallie leaned in closely. "Now listen," she whispered, "I don't want this spread around, but I'm in the market for a boyfriend. You wouldn't happen to know anybody, would you?"

Indom was reeling. He needed to nip this whole "wise advice-giver" thing in the bud, or his whole 'snarky, un-caring' rep was going to go up in flames. He needed to screw up Itallie's love life, and screw it up so badly that she would completely denounce him.

"Here's the number of a friend of mine." he said, smirking as he wrote on a napkin, "one of my motorcycling budies. You two will get along very well."

"Thanks!" exclaimed Itallie, walking out.

Indom's smirk grew even wider. He had given her the number of Revenant, leader of the 4Chan motercycle gang, and the sleaziest guy he could possibly think of. Their date would be a dumpster fire, and nobody would ever ask 'Indom the Wise' for advice again. With a smug smile, Indomitable congradulated himself on taking care of things so quickly.

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-- The Following Day --

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Indom blanched, and made a mental note.

''Note to self: burn out vocal chords with acid at the next opprotunity. Apparently it's the only way to stay sane around here...''

-

He just stared, as Revenent and Itallie beamed at him.

"Thank you so much for everything!" exclaimed Itallie, "we've had such a great time! You should start an official dating advise buisness or something!"

No. No. This couldn't be happening.

"Yeah, thanks man." said Rev, putting his arm bleh across Itallie's shoulders. "You're so wise... you're like a guru or something."

"I've never been happier!" beamed Itallie, leaning over to kiss Reven-

Words cannot describe the sheer horror of that site. Nor can they describe how quickly Indomitable looked away in disgust, shuddering and trying to swollow the bile that had risen in his throat. He would have nightmares about that.

-

Revision to note to self: Just shoot self in the head

-

Indom muttered something unintelligable and probably obscene as he burried his head in his hands.

"I already spread the word!" exclaimed Itallie with a giggle, "and don't worry, Indom, I was sure to mention you as our match-maker. You're seriously the best."

Oh, no. No, no, no. This was not going well at all.

"It's just like I thought" continued Itallie, "underneath that cold, uncaring exterior..."

Don't say it...

"Even though you seem like you don't care about us..."

Please don't say it...

"Beats the heart of a true romantic."

"GAH!" screamed Indom, leaping from his chair. "GAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

He lept up, grabbing a nearby vase and throwing it to the ground, before running up the stairs to his room. The slam of his door sounded like a gunshot vibrating through the entire house.

"Well," said Itallie with a warm smile, "I knew he'd be excited about being the one to make us so happy, but I didn't know he'd be that excited. He's such a nice guy."

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Several hours later, Indom was reclining on the chair in his room, trying to forget what had happened earlier. He heard a quiet knock at the door. On one hand, it could be someone asking for advince. On the other hand, maybe it was Imrahil with the anchovy pizza Indom had ordered earlier. Decisions, decisions...

"Come in."

Code appeared at the door, looking sheepish.

"So, Indom..."

"You don't have my pizza do you?"

"I heard you're running a matchmaking service? I was wondering if you would mind-"

"Get out."

"-but I heard that-"

"GET OUT."

"I was just-"

Code shrieked and ducked, as a glass of root beer flew towards him, barely missing his head as it shattered against the doorway. Yelling, he dived into the hallway.

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-

Indom had barely even closed the door when he heard a knock.

"Who is it?"

"Imrahil!"

Ah! There was that pizza! Indom opened the door, and- oh, no.

Imrahil was standing outside, with his new girlfriend beside him. Sandy? Dandy? Candy? Heck if Indom could remember the name of his latest crush of the week.

"So, Mandy and I have been... er..." Imrahil looked incredible sheepish. "Well, we've been having some relationship trouble, and you came highly reccommended..."

Indomitable buried his head in his hands. What had he ever done to deserve this evil?

"I heard that relationship councilling is kind of your forte..."

Indom began pounding his head against the wall.

"Sooooooo..." continued Imrahil awkwardly. "Is Tuesday good for you?"

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--- LATER THAT TUESDAY ---

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Indom held his head in his hands, wondering how Imrahil ever coaxed him into the living room. Imrahil and Mandy discussed and argued for a half hour while Indom listened. Blah blah blah, Imrahil bought Mandy daphadils instead of tulips, blah blah blah, Mandy hasn't hugged him in a week, blah blah-

"It's so obvious!" exclaimed Indom suddenly, throwing his hands up in the air. "You're idiots!" Imrahil and Mandy stopped arguing and looked at him, as he stood in exasperation. Indom continued ranting, stunned by the sheer obliviousness of the couple. "Haven't you ever heard of love languages?!" Indom exclaimed, "Imrahil, your love language is touch, so it hurts you a lot when Mandy doesn't hug you, even though she doesn't realize it. Mandy, your love language is gifts, so even though Imrahil doesn't think it's a big deal, it hurts your feelings when he gets the wrong kind of flowers. You see, you both have your own ways to communicate love, and-"

Indomitable froze mid-setence, suddenly aware of what he was saying. Had he? Did he just... give good advice? But his "sarcastic uncaring rep"... oh, screw it.

"Communication!" continued Indom, as he stood between Imrahil and Mandy, laying his hands on their shoulders, "communication is the issue! If you work on truly talking with each other, and really understanding how the other percieves love and affection..."

-

-Indom would lecture for another half an hour, and Imrahil considered him the savior of his relationship with Mandy. Indomitable came to peace with the fact that being the good guy wasn't so bad after all. And after he started charging a $450 consulting fee, nobody ever inturrupted him with relatioship advice again. The end.-

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-OMAKE- (for those of you that have never heard the term, it's a sort of tag scene that's not part of the main story, but is still related)

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Why does Indomitable know so much about relationships counciling?

YEARS PREVIOUS:

Indomitable stood outside classroom 107 in his high school, while his team mates gathered around.

"Seriously, Indom?" scoffed Peterson, one of the Wide Recievers, "you're taking relationships 101 as your psychology credit? That's pretty much the most un-cool thing I've ever heard of in my life."

"Yeah," said Laremy the Left Tackle, "You're the QB, man. You have a rep to maintain."

Indomitable scoweled. "Hey, anyone who says I'm not a man because I take this class can fight me and see how un-manly I am."

Everyone backed up a few steps at his withering glare.

"Alright, alright." said Peterson, "take whatever sissified classes you want to. Me and the rest of the team will be in a cool class."

They dissappeared down the hallway, and Indom watched them with a knowing smirk. Opening the door, he stepped inside the classroom and looked around. Beautiful girls as far as the eye could see, and not another guy. Too bad the rest of the football team never figured out that taking girly classes meant there were actually, ya know, girls there.

"Oh, Mr. Winston" he said to the teacher in false shock, "am I really the only boy to sign up for this class? I'm so very surprised."

Three dozen girls watched dreamily as he walked into the room, and a dozen more clamoured out of their seats, offering to let him sit in the front row.

"Alright, alright, settle down." said the teacher, rolling his eyes. "Today we're talking about love languages."

Indomitable winked towards the back of the room, and half the class swooned.

Indom reclining in his chair, girls in the second row reaching forward to touch his hair like it was gold. "I hope this period finishes up soon." he thought with a smirk, "these sissified classes are such a bother."