User blog:High Prince Imrahil/The Wiki Family Road Trip - Day 1

-INTRODUCTION-

Hello, all! Imrahil here to introduce my latest piece of writing, Wiki Family: The Road Trip. After much deliberation, I decided it would be the best subject to do a full-length story on. I've had so many ideas for one buzzing around my head, but a road trip is just too long to do for any of the short stories I've written. But now that I actually have the time, I can finally write it, incorporating all the jokes and car-trip humor I want! Special thanks to Chaz who helped me with some editing.

Note that although I've personally been through this route several times to visit family on the West Coast, most of those times I was half-asleep and surviving only on coffee, so the details and locations might not be quite exact. Also, it's worth mentioning that I use the words "bus", "van" and "car" interchangeably. The actual vehicle is the same beat-up bus we have for most Road Trip RPs, but I try and change the words a little for variety. I guess that's all the boring notes. So, without any further adieu, I bring you:

The Wiki Family Road Trip.

"Do you think this is a freaking GAME?! This isn't kindergarten, son, it's the real freaking world. This is a responsibility!"

Imrahil glowered at his younger sibling, who stared back with a mixture of disbelief and confusion.

"Uh, Imrahil, I don't really understand." replied Chaz at last. "I mean, all I'm doing is riding shotgun..."

Imrahil's glare intensified, if possible. "You are NOT just riding shotgun. You are my co-pilot. Do you understand that??"

"So... I help program the GPS... and hand out the food when we go through a drive-thru... and I help with the music..."

Imrahil shook his head, facepalming. "Dear heavens, why did Travian have to go off to join the Marines?" He looked back up at Chaz.

"NO!" he shouted, "a co-pilot doesn't just help with food. You're my morale support. You're my right-hand-man. You stay by my side when all else goes wrong." Imrahil looked dramatically off into the distance. "Even at the call of death, when the stench of burning iron and the coppery smell of blood fills the air, as you scramble over the backs of your fallen comrades, you must remain calm. For if I die... you will receive command."

"Oooooooooooooookay.... I'm a little creeped out right now, but okie-doke. I'll serve as your assistant, and in exchange, receive the privilege of shotgun for the duration of the journey. Wow, that sounds a little like money laundering now that I say it out loud...."

"Nah, it's totally different. Trust me, I've done money laundering before."

"When did you-?!"

"No time for simple questions now, Chaz! It's time to get going!"

Imrahil sighed, and looked back down at his checklist.

[ ] Lecture Chaz on the importance of being a co-pilot

Imrahil placed a check mark next to it, and walked back into the living room. Organized chaos was reigning. Faenor was carrying out a huge katana, Morgoth was in his regular duster and fedora, and Tyberious had a duffel bag full of... lizard teeth and the blood of virgins...

[]Pack extra holy water

Imrahil quickly scribbled down the extra checkbox on the list, and walked outside. The old family bus was parked outside, the only vehicle possibly large enough to haul so many siblings. It was old and red. Or maybe that was just rust, and it was originally yellow. Imrahil couldn't quite tell. It was the sort of bus that hadn't seen better years, so much as better decades... or centuries... or millennia... was that a Roman eagle emblazoned on the side?

In any case, the thing was ancient, but fairly reliable. At the moment it would be used for the annual Wiki Family Road Trip. Glosur had to take a business trip to Seattle, so they decided instead of Glosur flying back before they started their vacation, they would just drive out and meet him there. Imrahil, being the responsible older sibling he was, decided to take charge. He had expected that Itallie, being older, would have wanted to command the expedition herself. But for some unknown reason she was all but joyful to let Imrahil coordinate a road trip over 2,500 miles, with 16 family members in a decrepit old bus. Or maybe it wasn't so mysterious after all. Maybe Imrahil was just a complete idiot. Imrahil was strongly considering the latter option as he watched Tyberious briefly sketch some pentagrams on the back of the bus and pray to "The Dark Spirit Mandos" for the "Journey of dark enlightenment".

Yes, this would be an interesting trip indeed...

---

"All right, role call!"

It was now 5:30 AM, and through some incredible miracle (to such a degree that Imrahil hardly went short of accrediting it to The Dark Spirit Mandos' blessing), everyone was finally packed into the bus. Imrahil slid into the driver's seat, Chaz quietly at his side in his rightful place at shotgun.

"Itallie?"

Itallie raised her hand just a little. She was currently half-asleep against the window on the front bench.

"Shadow and Berry?"

"Here!" they said in unison from somewhere near the back. Argali was just beside them, dozing.

"Dark, Patrick, Aramir?"

The trio were playing poker on the back bench, and mumbled their acknowledgment.

"Elestan? Karos?"

They were on the front bench with Itallie and also half asleep.

"Ed? Shade?"

The duo were knocked out cold on the next-to-the-last bench. Not morning people, Imrahil figured.

"Faenor, Morgoth, Tyberious?"

The three were a laughable sight. Tyb was all in black, incanting something, while Morgoth was quietly narrating everything going on in his usual noir monotone. Faenor didn't look very happy to be between them, as he kept periodically sprinkling holy water on Tyberious. Imrahil made a mental note to rotate Faenor out of that bench at the next rest stop.

"Well, folks, let's get this show on the road!"

-

It took a little time due to both Imrahil's overly-cautious driving, and the fact that the bus was probably older then most dinosaur fossils. But before long the huge office buildings and sprawling storefronts of Columbus faded into northern Ohio's trademark farmland. Rolling hills, golden cornfields, and occasional small towns.

"Look, cows!" exclaimed Edacnik, still nine-tenths asleep and gesturing out the window, "it's a bunch of cows!"

"Herd." mumbled Itallie, without opening her eyes.

"Huh?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows! What do you think I am, an idiot?"

"No, I was saying a cow herd."

"A cow heard me? Itallie, we're going like sixty miles an hour-"

Itallie opened her eyes just enough to give him a reproachful stare. Then she went back to sleep. "Never mind." she mumbled.

Meanwhile, at the front, Chaz was running over the maps. "How much longer do we have to go?" asked Elestan, yawning.

"Well," said Chaz, "we've been on the road for about an hour. But to reach Des Moines by tonight, we'll have to fight through nine or ten more."

"excellent" interjected Edacnik sarcastically, "if we're lucky, dad won't have died of old age by the time we get to Seattle."

"If we're lucky, we won't have died of old age by the time we reach Seattle," intoned Dark, without looking up from his cards.

"Whatevs! This road trip will fly by!" exclaimed Imrahil cheerfully, "'Cause I have an ace in the hole! My Awesome Road Trip Playlist!"

He tossed his iPod to Chaz, who looked through the playlist.

"Uh... Immy, is your iPod broken or something? This playlist just has "Carry on My Wayward Son" over and over again."

"That's what makes it so awesome!"

"You could just put one track on repeat for the same effect...?"

"No way! Then I'd miss out on all the covers! If any band does any cover of Carry on My Wayward Son, I always get it. Always."

"Do you... have any other songs on your iPod?" asked Itallie.

"Yeah! I have Kansas's whole Leftoverture album! I mean, I also have the My Little Pony Soundtrack if you'd rather-"

"You know what, I withdraw the question. Let's listen to Carry on My Wayward Son."

"That's my gal! Chaz, let's play some music!"

"Uh... where's the audio port?"

"Beats me. I haven't used this car since for a year or two. Eureka's the one that usually uses it."

"Audio port?" chuckled Patrick. He looked up from the game of poker, which he was almost winning. "Immy, this van's as old as George Bush and twice as decrepit."

"Well, what does Eureka listen to??"

"Uh... MPR, mostly. I mean, for when he wants his wildly right-wing news."

"I'm not even going to respond to that. Chaz, see if Eureka has any cassettes lying around."

"Uh... I'm afraid all he has is old reruns of MPR talk shows."

"We'll save that for really desperate times."

"Like mile 1200?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of a nuclear holocaust."

The conversation was not allowed to continue as a metallic beeping sound was heard from the dashboard.

"Dang it!" exclaimed Imrahil, "I knew I forgot something! I was so busy, I forgot to fill up the tank!"

"That’s okay," intoned Tyb from the back, "I was so busy I forgot to sacrifice a female parakeet."

"Yeah, practically the same thing," Chaz deadpanned.

"Trusty assistant, when's the next stop?"

"There's a 7/11 in about three miles. It's out on Exit 34."

"Alright, then! Cherry slushies, here we come!"

Imrahil hit the accelerator.

--

The old bus seemed strikingly like a clown car as person after person cascaded out of the door in a steady stream. Passerbys would probably have noted how amazing it was that 16 people were all able to be crammed into even a van. Edacnik and Elestan, having drank a little too much water before leaving home, were the first to bolt inside the tiny gas station. The rest continued at a leisurely pace, and Imrahil brought up the rear. Suddenly, he felt his phone ringing as a short clip from Borne on Wings of Steel by Kansas began emanating from his pocket. With a single motion he answered the call and brought the blue phone up to his ear.

"Hey bro. It's me, Eureka. How're things going on the voyage on the damned?"

"Meh. Pretty good, actually. How're things back home?"

For some strange reason, Eureka had decided to stay home instead of go on a 2500 mile car trip with 16 other people. Imrahil couldn't imagine why.

"Me and Jack won our tag team Halo Ground Command tournament."

"Wow... sounds... adventurous..."

"Not as dangerous as the stuff you're doing. Ten bucks says somebody dies before you get home."

"At these odds?? No deal!"

"Oh, fine. So how's... how are you getting to Seattle, again? Besides the highway to hell, I mean."

"We're heading up towards Des Moines, then we're taking Route 35 up through Minnesota. Then we can ride Interstate 90 all the way through to Seattle."

"Well call me when you get to Des Moines."

"I'll try, but my phone's almost dead, and payphone rates are murder up here. Heck, back when I lived in Texas, I could call to hell and back for a dime."

"Well, there it's a local call." replied Eureka, chuckling.

Imrahil gave a wry smile, and knowing he was out-maneuvered, decided to beat a hasty retreat.

"Well, I'll talk to you later, bro."

"Alright. Don't get attacked by truck-stop hobos or anything."

"I'll do my best."

Imrahil hung up the phone, only to realize that he had missed his chance for a pit stop. Everyone else was already piled back inside the van. He sighed, with the sudden realization that he wouldn't get a slushie.

"Don't worry, Im', I've got you covered."

Chaz came up behind him, an extra slushie in hand.

"There we go! Nice one, Chaz! You're really getting the hang of this."

"As long as you continue to supply me with shotgun rights."

"Right, right. So, how far away are we from the Indiana border?"

"Not far at all. Just a few minutes, I think."

"Well, let's get a move on!"

---

"I'll see your peanut-butter cup and raise you two fudge rounds."

Dark looked warily over his cards. His game of poker with Patrick and Aramir continued to escalate. Imrahil didn't care, so long as nobody was screaming especially loud, and they stayed out of his way.

Night was beginning to fall, and remarkably, they were actually within ten minutes of Des Moines. Earphones, books and iPods began to be packed away as everyone prepared to stop for the night.

"You know the drill," announced Imrahil to the bus. "We've got four adjoining rooms. Now I've sprung for the suites, so we should be fairly comfortable. Chaz, as my loyal assistant, it was your job to come up with the arrangements."

"Right. I get all four rooms and the rest of you sleep out here."

"..."

"Kidding! I was just kidding! Jeeze! Seriously, Faenor, you can stop pointing that crossbow at me. Seriously. Okay, there we go. Anyways. Imrahil, Aramir, Patrick, and Dark are in the first room. Karos, Berry, Shadow and Shade and are in the second room. Faenor, Elestan, Edacnik, and myself are in the third room. Tyberious, Morgoth, and Argali are in the fourth room."

Itallie started to raise hand.

"Don't worry, sis" interrupted Imrahil, "I have purchased you your own room on the first floor."

"That's... surprisingly considerate Imrahil. Thank you."

"No problem. No c'mon, everyone, let's move out!"

--

It was a pleasant little suite. Three TVs and four rooms (a kitchen, a living room, two bedrooms with adjoining baths), everything with a very quality feel to it.

"This is what we'll be stayin' in the whole way." commented Imrahil, "the company is called Marriott, they're a really quality hotel chain. Plus, they give you free breakfast which isn't half bad. We're in one of their nicer suites, which is small but has a variety of-"

"All right, all right!" exclaimed Dark, "What are you a salesman?"

"I just wanted to assure you that it won't end up as disastrous as last time."

"you say that every time!" intoned Patrick.

"Yeah, but this time I mean it!"

Imrahil slipped into the bathroom and emerged a moment later clad in his pajamas.

"Seriously?" asked Aramir, "Do those pants have... ponies on them? Do they even sell those?"

"Shut up! If I had known I was going to be bunking with you guys, I would've packed something... else... without ponies..." Imrahil finished lamely.

"Good comeback." Said Dark with a grin, "seriously, Im', you're improving!"

Imrahil sighed and flipped on the TV. To his great enjoyment, there was a Columbus Blue Jackets game on, that he watched peacefully as he sprawled out on the couch. A time of peaceful silence followed. Aramir was so exhausted he collapsed straight into bed. Dark pulled out his laptop and checked up on a few of his social networking sites as he sat down at the coffee table. To the surprise of no one, Patrick immediately seized a shower, and proceeded to hold it hostage for the rest of the night. Everything was so... calm. For one moment in time, Imrahil found himself completely at peace.

"We should probably get some sleep." he said at last, "It's going to be a long, long road tomorrow. We're driving all the way to Rapid City, South Dakota."

"If we don't die first." commented Dark.

"If we don't die first." affirmed Imrahil.