User blog:High Prince Imrahil/The Wiki Family: Choose Your Own Adventure!

Hello, all! Imrahil, here. I just finished making my newest, most original project yet. A spoof on "Choose Your Own Adventure" stuff, starring the Wiki Family. I recommend using ctrl + F to skip directly to a number when you make a decision, that way you don't accidently read ahead while you're scrolling down.

[1. START HERE:]

You are Imrahil Alqua, a member of the Wiki Family. You awake to the sound of birds chirping, and the smell of sizzling bacon. The kitchen is right below your room, so the smells of breakfast waft upwards as you silence your alarm clock. With a tired groan you roll out of bed and go through your daily routine. You pull on some jeans, and find your favorite shirt (it's blue with a swan on it). Lastly you put on your brown leather jacket, and comb your hair.

Your room is a simple but cozy affair. Texas and Confederate flags are hanging up on the far wall alongside three acoustic guitars. Various Lego models are scattered around, most depicting scenes from Lord of the Rings. Your desk is decorated with a My Little Pony (Pinkie Pie), a mini brigade of Confederate soldiers, a Columbus Blue Jackets bobble head, and three dozen cola cans. With a single stroke, you brush off some of the empty cola cans revealing your laptop buried beneath.

You give a respectful salute to the massive portrait of Robert E Lee that resides over your bed, then prepare to face the day.

The day is full of opportunity. What will you do first?

-If you go downstairs and eat breakfast, go to [2]

-If you decide to watch a few episodes of My Little Pony on your laptop, go to [3]

-If you go out in your Camaro and buy more cola, go to [4]

[2.]

You wander groggily into the kitchen. Glosur, your father, is quietly making coffee. Morgul and Edacnik are at the table eating scrambled eggs. You wander towards the pantry and take a look at your options.

-If you decide to eat some Lucky Charms, go to [5]

-If you decide to try and make bacon, go to [6]

-If you just forget about breakfast, go to [7]

[3.]

With grin, you flop down onto your chair and start up the laptop. In a few minutes, the song plays over the speakers: my little pony, my little pony...

Suddenly, there's a knock on your door.

-If you quickly close the computer, go [8]

''-You shouldn't let anypony intimidate you like that! Who cares whether or not they see you watching My Little Pony??Go to [9]''

[4.]

Borne on Wings of Steel by Kansas begins blaring through the car as you navigate your beautiful blue Camaro onto the road. You quickly arrive at the local 7/11 and exit with your arms full of cola. On your way back home, you decide to stop for coffee. You order your usual - A grandee mocha with extra chocolate swirl, hold the whip cream, three extra shots of espresso, two drops of raspberry flavoring, half-caff, low-fat milk, to go. The bored girl behind the counter asks for your name for the order.

-If you tell her your name is Nicholas Cage, go to [10]

-If you responsibly tell her your name is Imrahil Wiki, go to [11]

[5.]

Ah! A delicious breakfast of lucky charms! As you eat your magical breakfast, you begin to mentally plan out the day. What should you do first?

-If you run to the 7/11 to buy more Cola, go to [4]

-If you go to the living room to watch TV, go to [12]

[6.]

You walk over towards the stove, and turn it on. Nothing happens. You try again. And again. You realize that the gas is running, it just isn't lighting for some reason. You try again. And again. The room is thick with gas at this point. Finally, you hear the clicking noise, and the gas ignites! YUS!

... wait a second....

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

The Wiki House was completely leveled by the explosion and resulting fire. Everyone made it out alive, but insurance rates quadruple, sending your family tumbling into the poor house. By the next year, you're living in a cardboard box in a forgotten alleyway of the Short North, slowly dying of disease, and living on rats. If only you hadn’t tried to make that bacon... if only you had just eaten Lucky Charms....

BAD END

[7.]

Who has time for breakfast?? You close the door to the pantry, and set out for a walk around the city to clear your head. Slowly you feel yourself growing weaker.... weaker... you collapse to the sidewalk in a heap.

"breakfast..." you mutter, as the darkness closes in, "the most important meal of the day.... why, oh why, did I ever skip breakfast?"

Completely bereft of the energy breakfast would have given you, you swiftly die of malnutrition.

BAD END

[8.]

You quickly slam your laptop shut, just as the door opens. Eureka is looming in the doorway, glaring. He has a machete in one hand, and a kitchen knife in the other.

"I could've sworn I heard.... pony..." he snarls. With that, he turns around and stormed down the steps. Whew! That was a close one! You think that's probably enough My Little Pony for one day, and decide to head out on a drive around town until Eureka calms down. Maybe you can pick up some cola too. After all, you only have three cases left.

-Go to [4]

[9.]

Eureka darkens to doorway as he glares down. Which is weird, since you're taller then him.

"Pony...." he sneers, brandishing a machete, "there is no pony allowed in this house. YOU MUST DIE!"

He swings the machete down on you, and you courageously scream like a little girl as the blade sinks into your neck. You collapse on the floor, dead.

"This room..." says Eureka, "... has been PURIFIED."

BAD END

[10.]

"The name's Nicholas Cage" you say jokingly, reaching into your wallet for the money. Suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your back, as you're thrown, sprawling across the room and crashing through the window of the coffee shop with a loud shattering sound. Woozily you look up as Nicholas Cage stands over you, slowly unsheathing a long knife.

"Pretend to be me, will you??" He places a booted foot on your chest, pinning you down as he sharpens the blade.

"No Nick Cage, no!" You beg as the leather-clad Hollywood superhero thrusts the knife into your left shoulder. You lie prostrate on the ground as he stares over you, throwing the knife on top of your prone form.

"Now if you excuse me, I have some coffee to drink." The last thing you see is Nicholas Cage picking up your coffee and taking a swig of it as he walks away.

BAD END

[11.]

"Imrahil Wiki" you say, leaning on the counter. Soon your coffee arrives, along with the joyous caffeine high it brings you. You sip it as you slip back into your blue Camaro. Where to next?

-If you decide to go to the Wal-Mart and pick up the next season of My Little Pony, go to [13]

-If you just head on home, go to [14]

[12.]

You're just about to enter the living room when you suddenly realize: your wallet is missing. Where the heck did you put it?? You quickly check your room, but it's nowhere to be found. Where's your wallet?! You walk back down to the living room, ready to start a search.

-Go to [15]

[13.]

You quickly locate the DVD section, and grab Season Six of My Little Pony. But the second your fingers encircle the box, you hear a voice behind you.

"PONY!" it snarls angrily. You whirl around to see Eureka standing on top of the display. How he got there, or why he's at the Wal-Mart, you have no idea. "PONY MUST DIE!" he shouts, leaping off the display with a machete drawn.

You manage to dodge, and his machete hits the tile floor with loud metallic sound. You start to run away, but you trip over a Fluttershy plushie, and crash to the floor.

"You must be... PURIFIED!" exclaims Eureka.

He quickly lobs off your head, and you die in the DVD aisle of the local Wal-Mart. What a way to go.

BAD END

[14.]

You turn off your car, and walk inside your beautiful home. After hanging your leather jacket on the coat rack, you decide to head on to the living room and watch some TV.

-Go to [12]

[15.]

The Wiki Family living room! Here you feel truly at home. From the big leather couches to the flat screen TV, to your favorite blue chair, everything seems amazingly cozy. Edacnik is taking a nap on the couch, Shadow and Berry are playing Mario Kart, and Chaz, Patrick and Dark are playing poker at the coffee table.

But you can't think about that now. You must find your missing wallet. What should you do?

-Search the upstairs [17]

-Wake up Edacnik [18]

-Question Chaz, Patrick and Dark [16]

-Enlist the help of Morgoth [19]

[16.]

"Hey Chaz!" you exclaim, "you seen my wallet anywhere?"

"Hey, when did you get up, Imrahil?" he replies, looking up from his cards. "I haven't seen your wallet anywhere, but did you want to play poker with us?"

-If you agree, go to [20]

-If you politely refuse, go to [21]

[17.]

You stand at the top of the stairs, looking down the beautifully decorated hallway. You already checked your own room, so where else should you go?

-Itallie's Room [22]

-Travian's Room [23]

-Faenor's Room [24]

-Tyberious's Room [25]

[18.]

"Hey, Ed?" you ask, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Ed? Edacnik? Edacnik wiki??"

You shake him a little, but he still doesn't wake up. Finally, you take Chaz's cup of ice cold root beer and pour it over your brother. He continues to snore.

Well, there goes that plan. You consider your other options.

-Go to [15]

[19.]

"The thug walked into my office. He was tall and lanky with dirty brown hair, and an old t-shirt."

"Riiiiight.... Listen, Morgoth, did you want to help me look for my wallet? I can't find it anywhere."

"the poor kid. I could see the tremble in his voice as he begged me to help him. If I had even a half of a heart I would've broke down and offered to help him. But unlucky for him, I lost my heart years ago. I traded in my soul for the darkness and nightmares my profession gives me..."

"You know what, I think I'm just going to leave now..."

"The kid shuffled out of the office like an ice truck on a windy day. I made a mental note to memorize more noir references at first opportunity."

Quickly you make a tactical retreat, fleeing out of Morgoth's basement office, and back to the living room.

-Go to [15]

[20.]

"Sure, I'd love to!" you exclaim. You see a brief expression on Patrick's face, as if he's wondering "how stupid can this guy possibly be?".

You don't exactly remember anything after that. But when you woke up the next day you were sitting in an empty room after gambling away every single thing you owned. You make a mental note to never again play poker with your family. You get ready for work only to realize that you gambled away your vintage '66 Chevy Camaro. With a sigh, you realize that you have a lot of walking ahead of you.

BAD END

[21.]

"Nah." you say with an indifferent shrug. You continue your search for your wallet.

-Go to [15]

[22.]

You cautiously knock on Itallie's door. A moment later, it flies open to reveal the blond girl herself, somehow scaring the bejeezus out of you even though she's a foot shorter. She glares.

"Imrahil, I'm in the middle of an important school project. What did you want??"

"I... uh... wondered was if... uh..."

Her glare is so withering that you can't help but take a few steps back, stuttering.

"Imrahil, I really don't have time for this."

Her glare intensifies. So terrible is it's strength that you feel rended to the core and fall backwards, sprawling onto the hallway floor. Itallie shrugs and walks back into her room, as you feebly try to drag yourself to your feet.

-Go to [17]

[23.]

With very few options, you turn to your trusted younger brother, Travian Wiki. His door is clear at the end of the hall, highlighted by the massive

Texas Lone Star carved into it. You knock briskly on the door. No answer. You knock again. No answer. That's odd...

-If you call Travian and make sure he's okay, go to [26]

-If you open the door anyways, go to [27]

[24.]

"Faenor?"

You knock on Faenor's door, but there's no answer. You begin pounding on the door relentlessly, but the inside is still silent.

-If you just give up, go to [17]

-If you keep trying to get his attention, go to [28]

[25.]

"Dark spirits of the Hands of Fate, I summon thee..."

As you open the door to Tyberious's room, you can't even see anything through the drifting clouds of incense and... well, honestly, you don't even want to know what else. All the lights in the room are off, save a single red light coming from the center of a pentagram at the center of the room.

Tyberious stands over it, incanting something in Latin, wearing dark robes. You cough loudly, trying to get his attention.

"Yes...." says Tyberious in dark monotone, "I sensed you were coming... I sensed your distress"

"Like, because your psychic or something?"

"No.... I heard you yelling 'MY WALLET IS GONE!' repeatedly from the living room..."

"Right. Anyways, have you seen it?"

"The answer is very complicated, and requires contact with... the spirits... Are you prepared to contact the Demons of Mandos, Imrahil?"

-If you get the heck out of there, go to [17]

-If you decide to do whatever the heck Tyberious is talking about, go to [29]

[26.]

You quickly speed-dial Travian, and wait for it to dial through. Suddenly, you hear the clicking noise as someone answers.

"Uh... hello?" asks Travian's voice.

There's something going on in the background. Lots of loud noises and yelling people. Probably a party, you decide.

"You weren't at home and I never saw you leave." You explain, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Yeah, I ended up leaving through the window because... the ice cream truck was pulling up... and I, uh, didn't want to miss it."

Seems legit. What's with that background noise??

"Is that the sound of an... AK-47? Travian, what are you doing??"

"I'm in a... professional Call of Duty tournament. In Prague."

"Travian, you suck at Call of Duty."

"That's why I didn't tell you I was going... I didn't want you to crush my dreams."

"... okay?"

There's more gunfire, and it sounded closer.

"Hey, listen Immy, I kinda have to go. This isn't exactly a good time. Thanks for calling!"

"Good bye?"

The phone hangs up abruptly. That was strange. But hey, if a sucky CoD player wants to go to a professional tournament, who are you to stop him?

-Go to [17]

[27.]

You shrug as you open the door. It's a cozy little room with a Texas flag, and-

"SIR, STEP AWAY FROM THE ROOM!"

Out of nowhere, three men in suits belay down from the ceiling. Despite the fact that the ceiling’s like, 8 feet tall. They level pistols at your head.

"SIR, YOU'RE NOW A PRISONER OF THE CSA IN VIOLATION WITH CODE 23.4 ARTICLE 7."

"What?!"

They quickly tie you up and blindfold you. A short car-ride later, you find yourself in a metal interrogation room. Travian walks through the door in a full suit.

"So... you're secretly a CSA agent?" you ask, looking him over.

"Eeyup." he replies, nodding.

"So... what now?"

"Now you get put into witness protection so you don't reveal my secret identity." he says. "Basically that's government code for 'we pay for you to move wherever the heck you want'."

"... anywhere?"

"anywhere."

--

Six months later, you arise to the sun streaming through the windows of your little ranch house. Getting out of bed with a yawn, you gaze out over the brand new farm you own, courtesy of government tax dollars. With a grin, you step out your door, and into the sunshine of Amarillo, Texas.

You get to live the rest of your life in the beautiful state of Texas, just like you've always dreamed. And you get to -er, have to- cut ties with your most of your insane family! Travian comes out to visit you every few days, and your father every few months. Yes, life is nearly perfect.

GOOD END, if you like Texas, BAD END if you don't. (it's not the actual objective of the story, but hey, who doesn't want an all-expense paid permanent vacation to Texas?)

[28.]

You pound relentlessly on the door. Finally, your hand bursts through the wood, splinters digging into the veins on your wrist. Loosing blood, you flail to the ground screaming. You slowly bleed to death on the carpet of your own hallway. A moment later, Faenor steps out of the door with earphones.

"Imrahil? Did you say my name? Huh. Nevermind..."

BAD END

[29.]

"Alright." says Tyberious. He hands you a small metal flask.

"Huh?"

"Spirits. Remember, the dark spirits? It's a special whiskey I brew, it takes on a deep brow-ish color."

"... okay?"

You take a sip of the whiskey. Wow, that's amazing!"

"Oh, by the way, your wallet is downstairs on the kitchen counter." says Tyberious, "I saw you put it there earlier."

"Thanks, bro!"

"No problem."

You dash down the stairs and recover your beautiful leather wallet from under a pile of magazines on the kitchen counter. You quickly rifle through it to make sure everything's intact.

Yes, all five dollars are still there! This was definitely worth it.

You may not have enough money to move to Texas, but at least you have enough to go to the Texas Roadhouse down the street. You give a happy sigh, completely contended with your family, your situation, and life in general. Yes, life is going well...

BEST END