User blog:High Prince Imrahil/The Wiki Family - Imrahil's Law - Part 1

All Imrahil wants to do is bring his girlfriend over for dinner. Good luck with that.

"Anything that can go wrong, will. If multiple things can go wrong, they will go wrong in whatever order causes the most possible damage. "Possible damage" always exceeds what everyone previously thought was possible by at least 500%." -Imrahil's Law.



--- High Prince Imrahil Presents: --- Wiki Family - Imrahil's Law ---












"Are you sure you want to come over for dinner tonight?" asked Imrahil uneasily. He was kicked back on his bed, talking on the phone with his girlfriend.

"Of course!" exclaimed Mandy, "I can't wait to meet your family!"

Imrahil didn't seem comforted. "But my family... they're a little... odd. I mean..."

"Come on, Imrahil, everyone's family is a little weird sometimes."

"I don't think you quite understand-"

"Oh, just quit worrying! Everything will be fine!"

Imrahil took a little courage in that. Everything had been planned to the letter, every variable accounted for. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

<p class="MsoNormal">"I guess you're right. As always. I'll see you tonight, Mandy!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"See you later!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil hung up the phone, then dialed Travian's number. The younger brother had been missing all morning.

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'''
1100 HOURS - WHITE HOUSE, 'WASHINGTON' DC, 'DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA', UNITED STATES OF AMERICA=='''===== <p class="MsoNormal">"Yes sir, Mr. President." said Travian, gazing steadily at the man behind the desk. "Sir, I promise you that the NSA is doing everything we can to handle this threat."

<p class="MsoNormal">Borne on Wings of Steel suddenly echoed throughout the room. The Secret Service agents guarding the door gave Travian a glare, as he realized with dawning horror that he had forgotten to silence his cell phone.

<p class="MsoNormal">The President gave a wry grin. "Agent Wiki, would you like to take that? I understand if there are more important things you could be doing."

<p class="MsoNormal">"I... uh... sorry, sir." stuttered Travian, quickly rejecting the call, and mentally apologizing to Imrahil.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"You've reached Travian Wiki! Please leave your name and phone number after the beep..."

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil blinked. First Travian disappeared, and now he wasn't answering his phone? This was a very bad omen... this was giving him a headache. He needed cola. BY ELBERETH, HE NEEDED COLA.

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil romped down the staircase and into the kitchen, looking everywhere for his beloved Vanilla Coke. Nothing in the refrigerator. He felt ready to punch someone in the face. A headache throbbed in his head from the lack of caffeine. But first thing's first: he needed to find Travian. With a grunt, he headed off down the hallway, and knocked on the door to the basement. The same sign as always was printed on the door:

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<p class="MsoNormal">MORGOTH WIKI

<p class="MsoNormal">PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil, still holding his head in his hands, walked to the battered old desk.

<p class="MsoNormal">"he looked like he was in pain. Like a morphine addict going into withdraw."

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<p class="MsoNormal">"That's what I feel like," groaned Imrahil. "Morgoth, could you do me a favor?"

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<p class="MsoNormal">"My loyal brother stood in front of me, the light in the doorway behind casting a shadow on his normally happy face. I knew that if there was anything in my power I could do to help, I would."

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Great. Could you find Travian? He's been missing for the past two days."

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Ah! Nothing like the smell of a fresh case in the morning! I set out in search of clues..."

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Awesome."

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil made his way back up the steps again, the lack of Coca-Cola making it feel like climbing a mountain. But at last he was back in the hallway.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Hey, Elestan!" Imrahil shouted to his brother, who was walking along the hallway, "do you know where the Coca-cola is?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Gladly, comrade!" exclaimed Elestan, "all Coca-Cola has been confiscated for the Socialist Worker's Movement by Secretary General Itallie."

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil sighed deeply. He didn't like commies, but he knew that he had to get his precious vanilla cola any way he knew how. Even if it meant reporting to the authorities.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Things had only recently began to settle down from The Great Purge. In a brutal turn of events, Itallie had betrayed Chaz, and become the leader of the Communist Party of the Wiki House. Chaz had been exiled to the attic, never to again play a part in house politics.

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<p class="MsoNormal">With a satisfied smile, Itallie finished hanging up the new Russian flags around the dinning room. It was at this moment that Imrahil, a former leader of the house himself, decided to make a suspiciously sudden appearance.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Hey, Itallie. What's up?"

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<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, yes, she could here it in his power-hungry capitalist voice. He was planning to overthrow her. But he would get away with-!

<p class="MsoNormal">"Itallie...?"

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Pardon, brother, I was lost thought." she said, putting on a friendly smile despite his clear treason. "What can I help you with?"

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Have you seen Chaz anywhere? I've been looking for the cola, and I-"

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<p class="MsoNormal">"CHAZ'S NAME SHALL NOT BE MENTIONED IN MY PRESENCE!" thundered Itallie, "HE IS A TRAITOR AND A SCOUNDRAL! I LEAD THE PARTY NOW!"

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<p class="MsoNormal">"... oooooooooookay.... So in that case, do you know where the cola is?"

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<p class="MsoNormal">Itallie shrugged. "I don't handle rationing. Besides, Cola has been cut out of the new grocery regulations I passed this morning."

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil rolled his eyes. "Fine. Are you sure there isn't just a little still lying around?"

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<p class="MsoNormal">Itallie waited a moment, choosing her words carefully. "Chaz might know of something like that. He's been exiled to the attic."

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Well, I'll go see him. He could probably use the company anyway, eh?"

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil walked out of the dinning room. Itallie gave a curt nod to Elestan and Karos who were standing in the corner.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Follow him."

<p class="MsoNormal">"But do you really think Imrahil would-"

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<p class="MsoNormal">"DO YOU WANT TO BE PURGED TOO, KAROS?? I SAID TO FOLLOW HIM!"

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<p class="MsoNormal"> Imrahil sighed as he gazed up the three flights of stairs that led to the attic. On a normal day this would be an easy task, but without cola...

<p class="MsoNormal">With a groan, he began the massive trek, laboring towards the top. He only hoped it was worth it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Half an hour later, he finally reached the attic. Not the one Faenor lived in, the room on the other side of the staircase. The musty place where they kept old Christmas decorations and crap like that. Chaz was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed, looking like some kind of guru.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Have you come to seek my wisdom, oh mortal one?" he said in monotone.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Check that, he was a guru.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Uh... yeah," replied Imrahil uneasily, "Chaz, where's the- what are you wearing??"

<p class="MsoNormal">As his eyes adjusted to the light, he realized that Chaz was wearing an ornate oriental robe, and sitting on a rug of the same pattern. He had massive gold clip-on earrings, and a fake grey beard.

<p class="MsoNormal">"I have become one with the universe..." replied Chaz in the same Tyberious-like monotone, "after The Purge, I was destitute, lost. It was philosophy that saved me, gave me a reason for living. I have lost everything and gained everything. I have attained the wisdom of the universe."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Since this morning?!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"The wisdom of the universe is kind of hit-or-miss."

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil sighed. "Listen, I just want to know where the cola is!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz closed his eyes, as if meditating. "Cola is merely a reflection of reality, my son-"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Your son?! I'm older then you!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz continued despite the interruption. "You see, Imrahil, Coca-cola is really just another analogy for life. The bubbles are like the passage of time, constantly floating on, despite seeming to have no beginning or end."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Where is the cola?!"

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<p class="MsoNormal">"The cup is like the realm of time and space. Within this cup is the substance of reality."

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<p class="MsoNormal">"WHERE IS THE COLA?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"The condensation represents humanity. Always moving, never going very far, before we are merely drips of water on the coaster."

<p class="MsoNormal">"WHERE. IS. THE. COCA. COLA?!?!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"And so, my son, cola is merely a reflection of reality, yet it is also a part of reality. The cola is a relation that relates itself to itself or is the relation's relating itself to itself in the relation: the cola is not the relation but is the relation's relating itself to itself."

<p class="MsoNormal">"WHAT?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Cola is not of the universe. Cola is one with the universe."

<p class="MsoNormal">"That's it!" screamed Imrahil, throwing his hands in the air, "I'm out!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil stormed out of the attic, slamming the door behind him.

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<p class="MsoNormal">'' 'Columbus... the darker side of the 'Ohio'. There is no greater den of scum and villainy anywhere in this dark state of... corn... and cows. Evil cows. Yes, that's it, evil cows that are always plotting your doom. Anyways, where was I?''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''Ah, yes. 'Columbus', that backwater city where all the thieves and idlers of 'Ohio' are drained.''

<p class="MsoNormal">'''It started out as a perfectly ordinary day. Nothing but a missing person case, nothing I haven't handled before. Except this time, it was different. This time, it involved... my brother!''

<p class="MsoNormal">Dun, dun, dun!

<p class="MsoNormal">"Seriously, Morgoth? Did you just say, 'dun dun dun' out loud? Dear heavens..."

<p class="MsoNormal">My loyal assistant Dragon pestered me with irrelevant questions, while I examined the details of the case.

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<p class="MsoNormal">'1) Travian should be here

<p class="MsoNormal">'2) Travian isn't here now

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<p class="MsoNormal">This is the conclusive list of all the clues at my disposal.

<p class="MsoNormal">"..."

<p class="MsoNormal">I ask my faithful assistant Dragon if he'd like to go make some ridiculous un-proved accusations and go around randomly arresting people.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Sure! Not like I have anything else going on this afternoon"

<p class="MsoNormal">'''with that settled, we head towards the darker side of the house. It was time for... interrogations...'''

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<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz smiled, glad to have given his brother some enlightening advice. With that over, he opened his eyes. "Anyways, Imrahil, I have a secret cache of cola on the top shel- Imrahil??"

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil was nowhere in sight! Chaz wondered where he could have possibly gotten off to. With a shrug, he picked up another book on philosophy, and began to read. Suddenly, without warning, he felt a sharp pain on the back of his head, and found himself face-down on the ground. "What the HECK??" he groaned, rubbing the back of his head. An ultra-bright flashlight was shined into his eyes, as a voice growled. "I had him pinned down. There was no escape."

<p class="MsoNormal">"What the-?!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"The embittered ex-communist was my prime suspect. In the aftershocks of the Purge, he must have taken Travian as a hostage to ensure his own safety. Black-hearted scoundrel to the core, but I had seen worse in my day."

<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz put his head in his hands. "Don't freaking jump out of the dark like that, Morgoth. You scared me to death!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Just a few minutes into the interrogation, and he was already breaking..."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Morgoth, I didn't kidnap Travian. I promise."

<p class="MsoNormal">This was normally enough to make Morgoth go away. But Chaz was the victim of terrible luck, as on this particular day, Morgoth wasn't alone.

<p class="MsoNormal">Suddenly, Chaz felt a sharp pain in the back of his head, and found himself sprawling to the ground again.

<p class="MsoNormal">"You're not tricking us that easily, you son of a commie!" Dragon, previously unnoticed, loomed above him alongside Morgoth.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Did you just use a Nerf pistol to gun whip me?!" shrieked Chaz, "That's not even legal!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"How legal was it when you kidnapped Travian, hm??" demanded Dragon.

<p class="MsoNormal">"I DIDN'T FREAKING KIDNAP TRAVIAN, NOW GO AWAY!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Dragon and Morgoth moved towards the door slowly, never taking their eyes off Chaz for a second. "We'll let you go... this time." whispered Dragon threateningly.

<p class="MsoNormal">With that, the detective duo disappeared down the steps. Chaz gave a heavy sigh of relief, and returned to reading.

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil slowly made his way down the stairs, his left eye twitching. Lack of cola would be the death of him. He was about to head down the hallway, when suddenly, he felt cold metal pressed against the side of his head.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Imrahil, on behalf of Secretary-General Itallie and the Wiki Household Socialist Worker's Party, you're under arrest."

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil found himself looking down the barrel of a full-metal paintball shotgun. Elestan was wielding it, with Karos pressing a pistol to the side of Imrahil's head. With no other choice, the older brother slowly put his hands in the air.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"I've done nothing wrong!" he exclaimed.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"Guilty until proven innocent." snapped back Elestan, "We have you on charges of conspiracy, treason, intent to overthrow the government, and communicating with an enemy of the state. Please put your hands behind your back."

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil sighed, but would rather not have a speeding paintball shot point-blank into the side of his head. His lone worry was that it might not all be sorted out before Mandy arrived. By sheer luck, Patrick happened to be walking by.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Patrick!" shouted Imrahil, "I need you to do me a favor! Pick up a bouquet for Mandy at the flower store."

<p class="MsoNormal">"...You want me to give her flowers?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"No! For me!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"...You want me to give you flowers?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"NO! I need you to pick up a bouquet that I can give to Mandy. Please?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Alright." said Patrick with a shrug, "how hard can it be?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Satisfied that the flowers were taken care of, Imrahil allowed Elestan to drag him into Itallie's office.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"This is WAY harder then I thought."

<p class="MsoNormal">Patrick, Code, Dark and Aramir, all stood inside the flower shop. There were SO many flowers. Who the heck needed this many types of flowers to begin with??

<p class="MsoNormal">With nothing else to do, Dark quietly rang the bell on the counter. "We would like... some... uh... flowers."

<p class="MsoNormal">The cashier, a blond around twenty, rolled her eyes. "You came to the flower store to get flowers?? NO WAY!" she exclaimed, the sarcasm dripping from her voice.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Uh... yeah."

<p class="MsoNormal">"..."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Like..." began Aramir, "flowers that are all romantic. Like, for a girl or something."

<p class="MsoNormal">The cashier glanced at the four brothers. "Are you all ordering flowers?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Uh, no." interjected Patrick. "Just me. I mean, just my brother. I mean, I'm just ordering a bouquet for my brother to give to his girlfriend tonight."

<p class="MsoNormal">The cashier put her head in her hands. "What kind of flowers would you like?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Uh..." began Dark, "flowers that are... like... colorful. And plant..-ish."

<p class="MsoNormal">The cashier gave a deep sigh, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Alright. How about roses?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Oh!" exclaimed Code, "Okay! Roses are pretty! A dozen roses!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Good. Now that'll be 75$."

<p class="MsoNormal">"WHAT?!" shrieked Dark, "75$ for plants?!?! That's robbery!"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Sir, I don't make the prices."

<p class="MsoNormal">Hmmm... Imrahil had said to get flowers, but this girl was clearly trying to rob them... Suddenly, a light bulb went off in Dark's head. A great idea!

<p class="MsoNormal">"Tell me... What's the cheapest flower arrangement you have?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Uh... we have some clearance bouquets for around 25$..."

<p class="MsoNormal">"That's still a little steep..." muttered Patrick, "I don't suppose you have a dumpster we could root through or something?"

<p class="MsoNormal">The cashier rolled her eyes, and jerked her head towards the back. "Go around behind the building. I'm sure your girlfriend will love the dumpster flowers. Now get out of my shop."

<p class="MsoNormal">Patrick seemed happy. "We'll just get some that look like new! He'll never know the difference!"

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<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz rubbed his head, putting an ice pack to the place where Dragon had gun whipped him. But suddenly, he felt a chill down his spine. Someone else was in the room.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Shade!" he called to the darkness, "come out, I know you're there!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Shade Wiki stepped out of the shadows, wearing a black cloak. "Chaz," he said cordially.

<p class="MsoNormal">"It's been a long time..." replied Chaz, "I haven't seen you since The Purge. When was it again? Ah yes, I remember, when you helped Itallie overthrow me."

<p class="MsoNormal">Shade winced. "I'm sorry, Chaz. I did what I thought was best for the family. We thought that if the Communists were divided, we could overthrow them and establish Faenor as a Capitalist leader."

<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz gave a wry laugh. "And how's that working out for you?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Shade grew very serious. "You need to come back, Chaz. Itallie has gone mad with power. I fear that she might turn the house into a dictatorship."

<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz rolled his eyes. "You established this regime, you can deal with it."

<p class="MsoNormal">"No!" exclaimed Shade, "she's kidnapped Imrahil on trumped-up charges, calling him an enemy of the state! Faenor, myself and the other Capitalists of this house have decided to back your claim to power against Itallie. You have to help us! Come back, Chaz! Come back with me and lead a revolution once more! Together we can overthrow Itallie. Do you not hear the clashing of arms, the shouting of brave freedom fighters?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz sighed, and for a moment he was torn with indecision. At last, he grinned. "Alright.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Call up the troops, Shade. Today, we shall seize back for the workers what is rightfully ours!"

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<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil was sitting in a small metal chair in the dining room. Across from him was Itallie, frowning deeply. "Imrahil, you are charged with subversion, conspiracy, and fraternizing with an enemy of the state."

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil sighed. He really didn't have time for this. Suddenly, several shots rang out outside the office. There was screaming, then the door flew open with a loud noise, Chaz and Shade rushing in. "THE GAME IS UP!" shouted Chaz, "GET READY FOR A REVOLUTION!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Itallie gazed at them steadily for a minute, surveying her options. Without any hesitation, she threw herself out the window.

<p class="MsoNormal">"We'll worry about her later," said Chaz. "Right now we need to be on the defensive. Our reconnaissance reported that loyalists will be here any minute."

<p class="MsoNormal">Shade went to work trying to push the table against the door to the living room, while Chaz reloaded a paintball AK-47 and rushed to guard the door to the kitchen. Imrahil just sat quietly, submitting to his fate. He was very used to his family by now.

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<p class="MsoNormal">KA-BLAM!

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<p class="MsoNormal">He could hear people (probably Eureka and Argali) outside, trying to ram the door. But Shade had the desk in place, and the only other entrance was through the kitchen. There were the sounds of shuffling feet, as they could hear loyalist forces taking up position behind the protective counters in the kitchen, preparing to charge. This was getting ridiculous.

<p class="MsoNormal">"WORKERS UNITE!" Screamed Elestan, charging into the room with a paintball Uzi. He was immediately mowed down by Chaz, as was Karos by his side. The pounding on the door to the living room intensified.

<p class="MsoNormal">"GRENADE!!"

<p class="MsoNormal">Shade threw the table on its side, just in time for it to block a massive paint grenade.

<p class="MsoNormal">"COMRADES!" shouted Chaz over the noise of gunfire, "JOIN WITH ME! FIGHT FOR THE GOOD OF THE MOTHERLAND!"

<p class="MsoNormal">He dived back to the ground as a hale of paint bullets whizzed near his head. "Well, that's enough speech-giving for now. Do we have any vodka around here?"

<p class="MsoNormal">Imrahil buried his head in his hands.

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<p class="MsoNormal"> Dark and company got back into their car, satisfied with their choice of flowers. Actually, it was just dandelions that they had picked up in the cracks between the sidewalk, but it was FREE! Imrahil would be so proud. They were so far under-budget, and they had beautiful golden flowers. Perfect.

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<p class="MsoNormal">It was a short ride back to the house. Ah, the house! The cement porch, the beautiful architecture, the sunny yard, the smoke bellowing from the west end, Itallie running across the lawn- wait a sec...

<p class="MsoNormal">"Frick." muttered Patrick.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Looks like another communist revolution." sighed Code. "Didn't we have one just the other day?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"Nah, that was just a purge." Replied Aramir. "There's a difference."

<p class="MsoNormal">They slowly exited the car, and walked towards the front door. Sounds of paintball fire and screaming were coming through the walls. With a final burst of courage, Dark threw open the door, and stepped inside.

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<p class="MsoNormal">"AAAAAAAAAUGH!"

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<p class="MsoNormal">Just in time to get shot in the face by a stray paintball. He collapsed to the ground in a ball of agony.

<p class="MsoNormal">"Uh... I'll get the flowers to Imrahil." said Patrick, awkwardly patting Dark on the back.

<p class="MsoNormal">"I miss Imrahil's leadership..." muttered Dark. "It was nice. Nobody shot paintballs. Nobody got hit in the face."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Where is Imrahil, anyways?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"My face didn't used to hurt. I miss those days."

<p class="MsoNormal">"I don't see him anywhere."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Me and my face, happy and carefree, no pain whatsoever."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Maybe he's in his room."

<p class="MsoNormal">"You just kind of take your face for granted, until its in complete agony."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Then again, he was getting dragged away by Itallie..."

<p class="MsoNormal">"I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to cherish every second of my face not hurting."

<p class="MsoNormal">"Maybe he's in the dinning room?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"As soon as this is over, anyways. Because right now, my face is in agony."

<p class="MsoNormal">Patrick glanced down at his brother. "Are you okay?"

<p class="MsoNormal">"...My face hurts."

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<p class="MsoNormal">Chaz, Shade and Faenor had fought their way through the kitchen, and were currently having a shoot-out with loyalists in the middle of the living room. As soon as the fighting had moved far enough away, Imrahil leapt out of the kitchen door and into the backyard. He planned to make it back to his car or die trying.

<p class="MsoNormal">He heard the metal click of a pistol being cocked. "Nice try, comrade." hissed Itallie's voice.

<p class="MsoNormal">Looked like it was going to be 'die trying'.