Hello everyone! It's been a while since we've had a proper Wiki Family story, so me and Berry have been working on story for a while. More accurately, a selection of short stories that all combine to form a series spanning a week. Thanks to Imrahil who helped proofread. Unfortunately, since this is mostly focused on the three of us there's barely any reference to everyone else in the family. Sorry about that.
Anyways, Berry and I are proud to present:
Cooking with Imrahil - A wiki family story by Berry and Shadow[]
Day 1 - Demonstration[]
“Gas?”
“Ready.”
“Food?”
“Eggs and bacon.”
“Fire extinguisher?”
Berry hefted the heavy red canister. “Right here.”
“Tin foil?”
Berry performed a thorough check of all the walls in the room, making sure they were all covered in two layers of foil. He then made sure the roof was triple-protected with foil. “Foil is ready.”
“Excellent. Begin. Imrahil, you can come in now.”
Imrahil opened the door and entered, whistling merrily. “Took you two long enough. What have you got to show me?”
“We’re here to try and show you how to perform basic cooking functions without burning the house down,” explains Shadow, “ and we’ve prepared a scenario for that. Now, I’m going to cook, and you’re going to watch and listen.”
Imrahil nodded absently as he looked around. The twins had gotten a bunch of cooking utensils out, and Shadow had turned on the gas.
“Now, we want to wait for the pan to heat up before we pour the oil, so the oil boils properly and we can cook it. Then we -”
Imrahil stood there, nodding. He absently picked up an egg. Berry hastily confiscated it, inspected it for cracks and burn marks, then returned it to the tray. After that, he took his turn at the frying pan.
“- don’t want to burn the egg, see, so we wait only until this top bit looks like it’ll come off the pan cleanly -”
Imrahil looked around for a chair. Finding none, he opted to lean against the wall.
“Hey, can anyone else smell smoke?”
Imrahil suddenly realized he’d accidentally turned on the toaster.
Simultaneously, Berry and Shadow sighed. With a nod from Shadow, Berry deactivated the toaster, finished frying the egg, and whacked Imrahil in the arm with the extinguisher.
“And that will end Day 1.”
Day 2 - Irritation[]
“No, Imrahil, turning the heat to maximum will not help it cook any faster.”
“But it needs more heat!”
Shadow sighed. Day two of attempting to show Imrahil how to cook, and it was already going poorly. They’d just turned on the stove.
“Imrahil, put the gasoline down and let me show you.” Shadow turned the heat down and began putting bacon on the frying pan. “This is exactly what you tried with the brownies, and it doesn’t work. Didn’t you learn heat conduction in high school?”
Imrahil nodded.
“Well it works like that. See, as we apply heat to this strip of bacon, the heat - ”
Once again, Imrahil began nodding off mentally. Absently, he picked up the discarded can of gasoline from earlier. “ - linear rate as more heat is applied - uh, Imrahil? Imrahil, god dammit, put the gasoline down!”
“But… it needs more heat...”
Shadow nodded to Berry, who removed the can from his grip and whacked him on the arm with the fire extinguisher.
“And that ends Day 2.”
Day 3 - Imitation[]
“Like this. Try and copy my movements. Mix, don’t annihilate. No, seriously. Imrahil, STOP! I knew we should have started with something easier...”
Berry, his protective suit now covered in pancake batter, rolled his eyes.
Shadow, shielding his eyes from the spray of burning batter (how the hell did he get it on fire? We aren’t even cooking it yet!) desperately pulled Imrahil away from the bowl. “IMRAHIL! You’re cooking, not attempting to burn down the house! How the hell did you even set it alight?”
Imrahil wiped burnt pancake bits off the apron he was wearing and shrugged. “You told me to mix, so I did.”
“I’m not quite sure about the terminology, but I think the relationship between ‘mix’ and what you were doing is the same as the one between a firework and some sort of thermonuclear explosive.”
Berry wiped batter off his protective mask. “I think we might as well end there and hope nothing else goes wrong while we clean up.”
“Give me a moment,” said Shadow, “there’s just one thing I gotta do. Imrahil, you might want to look at this.”
“What are you talking about, it’s just a bit of pancake - Ow!“
Shadow hefted the large red canister. “And that’ll end day 3.”
Day 4 - Intermission[]
“Istanbul!”
“Constantinople!
“Istanbul!”
“Nova Roma!”
Berry groaned. Code and Dragon had been arguing about the proper name of that old city for over twenty minutes now. Pat and Dark were struggling to break up the disagreement. Neither party would back down.
At that moment, Berry smelled burning. Motioning to Shadow, he grabbed the fire extinguisher.
Shadow opened the kitchen door. Inside, Imrahil struggled with two-minute noodles. Somehow, the packet was on fire. Boiling water was everywhere except the noodle packet.
“Dammit, Imrahil! OUT!” Berry shoved Imrahil out, whacking him on the arm with the extinguisher for good measure. Then, he turned to the mess and promptly extinguished it.
Shadow moved over to behind Dragon. “IMRAHIL’S COOKING! EVACUATE!”
Everyone except Berry, Shadow, and Imrahil immediately turned tail.
“Now, Imrahil, come over here.” Shadow led him back to the kitchen and placed a fresh packet of noodles on the countertop. “When cooking, the boiling water and the noodles packet go in the same container. See?”
“I knew that! I missed!”
Shadow sighed and dumped the packet’s contents into a pot, adding the boiling water after it and placing the lid back on. “Let’s try something containing less actual cooking. Imrahil, pass me that other packet with the flavour in it.”
Imrahil passed him a jar of mayonnaise.
“...”
“...”
Day 5 - Attempt[]
“Now, move your hand 10 centimeters to the left.”
Imrahil did so.
“Lower your hand slowly.”
Imrahil did so.
“Firmly, but not too firmly, pick up - “
“Why all this business about how firmly I’m holding something?”
“Just last week you dropped the gasoline. And then you set it on fire, somehow.”
“Alright, fine. I’ll pick it up firmly, but not too firmly.”
Shadow sighed. Day 5, and they were attempting to get Imrahil to, through exact instructions, perform the simple task of frying bacon.
“Now, grab the frying pan - Imrahil, that’s a golf club, I don’t want to know how that got in here - and hold it still.”
Imrahil, knocking the golf club on Berry’s foot, did so. Berry winced and moved the golf club away.
“Now, drop the bacon, one slice at a time, from approximately this height, on the pan, and make sure that as much surface area is touching the frying pan as possible. Make sure that it isn’t twisted around or else one side won’t fry properly.”
Imrahil did so.
“Hey, Shadow, are you sure that Imrahil set the stove to the right temperature?” Berry had immediately noticed that the bacon was burning. “I think it might be too hot.”
“I set it to 90 degrees!” Imrahil protested.
“Clockwise or counter-clockwise?”
“...counter clockwise.”
Berry groaned at the burning frying pan in front of him. Hefting the extinguisher, he sprayed carbon dioxide at it, then resisted the urge to whack Imrahil on the arm with it.
“I think that’ll end day 5.”
Shadow then proceeded to grab the other extinguisher and whack Imrahil.
Day 6 - Creation[]
“OI! Watch where that water’s going!”
“Imrahil, don’t hold the pot like that, we just boiled the stuff!”
“Try not to get raw noodles everywhere. Shadow, remind me what the point of this is.”
“It’s nearly the end of the week. Imrahil is going to cook something, or else I’m going to dump the water on his head.”
Imrahil was getting mixed results. On one hand, the water was definitely in the pot. On the other hand, the noodles were everywhere but the pot.
“On the plus side, he didn’t miss with the water this time.”
Shadow gave him another packet of noodles. “Now, Imrahil, open the packet gently and drop it in the pot.”
Berry groaned at the ensuing mass of starch product that had been sent flying. Shadow held his head in his hands and groaned.
…
After finally cleaning that mess back up and preparing the ingredients all over again, Berry and Shadow were just about ready to let Imrahil give it another go.
“Now, Imrahil. Repeat after me. I will not drop the kettle on the floor.”
“My hands slipped!”
“Say the words.”
“Fine, I’ll say it. I will not drop the kettle on the floor.”
“I will consider which of the packets I am adding to the noodles before I do.”
Imrahil dutifully repeated the line.
“I will not throw the noodles into boiling water and get it everywhere.”
Imrahil repeated the words.
“I will open the packet before I add it.”
“Shadow, I haven’t - ”
“Sooner or later Imrahil, you’re going to need to say those lines. I’d prefer you did before you drop a plastic packet into the boiling water and none of us can get it out without chopsticks.”
Imrahil sighed and repeated the line.
“Now cook!”
Imrahil began to move. First he took the kettle of boiling water and poured it into the pot. Then he grabbed the packet of noodles, opened it, and dropped it into the pot.
“Good so far,” said Shadow, using chopsticks to fish out the wrapping.
Then Imrahil, as per the twins’ instructions, ripped open the flavour packet and dropped it in.
Shadow triumphantly placed the lid onto the pot. “We did it! Imrahil cooked noodles!”
“Now, Imrahil, carefully carry that pot to the table. Don’t drop it. Don’t turn it. Make sure none of the water spills.” Berry was taking no chances with his instructions. Although, getting Imrahil to cook was already a pretty big risk.
Very, very slowly, Imrahil lifted up the pot and shifted to the table, carefully setting it down.
“Hey, Shadow, do you smell smoke again?”
Irritably, they both turned to see an electrical fire blazing in the corner.
“You whack Imrahil. I’ll deal with this.”
Shadow passed Berry one of the extinguishers. “Close enough.”
Day 7 - Destruction[]
Silently, Berry handed over the packet. Inside, several small, thin, strips of salted pork were waiting to be fried and eaten.
Shadow placed the oil onto the counter. “Alright Imrahil, I don’t know how much you’ve listened this week, but we’re making progress. Now, pour a bit of oil, slowly, into the pan.”
Imrahil walked over, took the cap off the oil, and dumped half the bottle in before Berry stopped him.
“You’re lucky we didn’t turn on the stove yet...” muttered Berry, irritably. “You’re only supposed to pour a little.” He promptly emptied the pan of the oil, leaving only a little to cover it.
At that precise moment, they all heard a crash.
“Ok. Imrahil, don’t touch anything. Shadow, keep an eye on the place. I’ll take a look outside.”
Shadow picked up a fire extinguisher and stood by the door.
“- !@#$%^&* Dmitriy Donskoi! Faenor sunk the Yamato-” The pissed-off voice of Dragon could be heard from somewhere outside the kitchen.
Shadow stuck his head out of the kitchen. “Has Faenor been playing World of Warships with Dragon again? Imrahil, don’t touch that.”
Imrahil’s hand jerked away from the temperature dial. “But it needs more heat!”
“- Stalin saved far more by his actions -” The annoyed voice of Heart was also audible.
At that point, Berry returned to the kitchen, his protective gear covered in paint. “Right. Fight broke out.”
Shadow sighed. “Imrahil, stand there and hold the spatula.” Shadow then proceeded to turn the heat on high, place a strip of bacon on the pan, walk outside and roar “IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP, WE’RE GOING TO MAKE IMRAHIL COOK LUNCH!”
Everyone outside immediately scattered.
“Excellent, ” grinned Shadow, “now we may continue in peace. Imrahil, the heat is turned up to the correct temperature. Now, as I have done, slowly place the bacon on the pan.”
Ten seconds later, Shadow dragged Imrahil away from the pan, turned off the heat, and removed half a kilo of bacon.
…
“Now, let’s try again. This time, only place down one strip at a time.”
Imrahil, carefully picking up a single slice of bacon, dropped it into the hot oil, and shifted it around. It immediately started to char around the edges.
“Hey, Shadow, what did you tell Imrahil to set the heat to?”
“Ninety degrees, clockwise - Imrahil, did you turn it counterclockwise again?”
“No…” replied Imrahil innocently, though his eyes were focused more on the dial turned 90 degrees counterclockwise.
Berry and Shadow simultaneously groaned.
At that point, they both heard something crash against the door.
“- THE REVOLUTION -”
“- Deiu Et Roi!”
“OI! Knock it off or we’ll get Imrahil to cook!”
“We know you’re teaching him to cook, Berry! You aren’t fooling us again!”
Berry rolled his eyes. “Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Shadow, execute plan omega.”
“You sure?”
“Do it, Shadow. We got a war on our hands.”
“Alright. Imrahil, remove the bacon - ”
Imrahil burped.
“Never mind.”
Berry handed Imrahil an egg. “Imrahil, make me an omelette. Disregard everything we’ve taught you, and do it.”
“And also, I think you’ll need a bit of this,” said Shadow, passing him a bottle of oil with half left. The twins then put on their gas masks and grabbed the fire extinguishers.
Imrahil paused, then he looked at the egg in his hand, then the frying pan.
Egg.
Pan.
Egg.
Pan.
Easy.
They wanted an omelette? They were going to get a freaking omelette.